Valuing Quiet People

I can confidently say one of the most frequently asked questions I received throughout my childhood and teen years was “why are you so quiet?” If you can relate, let this post be an encouragement to you.

Society tells us that the ideal personality is one that is outgoing, sociable and extraverted. Quiet people are often devalued, ignored and misunderstood. However, being quiet, thoughtful or slow to speak is equally valuable. If you are a quiet person, or an introvert, you have a unique set of qualities to offer – don’t let society’s expectations compromise your self worth.

This post is inspired by a number of things. Besides my own quiet nature, I am currently reading a book you may have heard of, called “Quiet” by Susan Cain. It beautifully articulates many of the ideas I will discuss here, and I  would definitely recommend you read it. However, what really prompted me to write this article was my experience of the treatment of quiet children in the education system, and my compassion for these children who are pressurised to “become more outgoing”.

At the preschool children’s centre I work at, there are plenty of quiet children, especially as many of them speak little English. One girl in particular – we’ll call her Annie – was especially shy. At the start of the program, Annie clung to her father , not wanting him to leave. When he eventually did, I was given the task of staying with her, as she was prone to getting quite upset when her caregiver left. I felt immense empathy for her, as I felt like I was looking at a younger version of myself.

So I stayed by Annie’s side the whole morning, offering an occasional encouragement but otherwise not firing her with questions or pressuring her to talk. She played tentatively beside me, but didn’t say a word. When it came time for her father to pick her up again, he thanked me for looking after her and asked me how she had been. His main question was, “did she talk to you?” The thing that bothered me the most was that he was discussing her inability to talk right in front of her, as if the poor girl was deaf as well as mute. After begging his daughter to say goodbye to me (which she did not comply) they left.

When I saw Annie again next week her mother dropped her off. After a quick goodbye she left, giving her no chance to be clingy or get upset. Annie stayed standing next to the door, and I quickly went over to greet her as I had been asked to look after her again that week. I crouched down to her level and said hello. After taking a second to register who I was, her face changed from a look of bewilderment as she broke out into a huge smile. Her whole face lit up. It took me by surprise and melted my heart all at the same time.

As Annie played by my side that morning, she randomly looked up at me at broke out into that same grin. I honestly wish I could have known what she was thinking in that instant. But that moment of non-verbal connection was one of the most special moments I’ve had so far working with children. It was almost as if she could sense the empathy I had for her, and I felt so rewarded to know that in that moment she felt loved and accepted in a world that was telling her that she wasn’t good enough.

While as a teacher I don’t pick favourites, Annie holds a special place in my heart. She continues to greet me with that huge grin. I later found out from a co-worker that she had hardly ever been seen before smiling or looking happy. I hope that I am able to make some impact in her life, and she will be able to learn, like I am learning now as a young adult, to value and express herself.

I am by no means denying the importance of social skills. However, it is my belief that the more we label quiet children as “shy” the harder it is for them to express themselves. Personally, I have found that the more I have accepted my “shyness”, the easier it has become for me to interact with others.

As a society, I think we need to change our thinking towards quiet people.

Sarah

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References / further reading

• “Quiet” by Susan Cain
• Susan Cain: the power of introverts (TED Talk): https://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts

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